When you see your loved one suffering so much, there comes a point when you’ll tell them “sige na, go if you have to go. We will be ok.” Among all the things that I found out were true recently, this was the one that never happened or occurred to me. This never even crossed my mind. Not even last Sunday when the doctors told us that anything can happen at that point and time. What do you do when you hear doctors say: “Mr. del Castillo, guarded prognosis tayo ngayon ha. Basta anything can happen na..” When you hear them tell your tita “the best thing we can do now is to bring her home.. and prepare the family dahil continuous na ang pag deteriorate ng condition nya.” Indeed, what do you do?
1 month. The longest 1 month our family has ever had. Long enough for us to see dada fight her battle, long enough for us to see her cry, to hear her shout.. to hear her thoughts.. to hear her wonder out loud if she still had any hopes. “pag-asa” she said 2 days before Tuesday. “iniisip ko kung may pag-asa pa ako..” And true enough, it was never about her. Sabi nga nyan ni Kuya Bimbo, with dada, it was always “ika.. ika.. ika.. never about her.” For amidst her pain, she would often still worry about me, Ches, Kuya, Ate and just about each one of us in our family. Again as Kuya said, “very typical dada.” 1 month. The longest 1 month we’ve ever had.
Ironically though, it was also the shortest month we’ve ever had. So short we weren’t even able to say thank you. Thank you for taking care of papa. Thank you for taking care of Tito Butch, for taking care of tita and dodo. For taking care of us. Thank you for being our supporter, our spoiler. Thank you for always making us feel right even when you tell us in your words that what we are doing is already daindata. “Daindata yan nene, daindata” you would often say. Dada, thank you for allowing us to do what we want to do and what will make us happy. I remember you would always say too “pabayai na kung iyo ang gusto.” You always made us feel that no matter what happens, you will always be there to comfort us and to make us feel loved.
We also weren’t able to say sorry dada. Sorry we seldom visited you. Sorry you had to be the one calling us. Sorry for laughing when dodo said “tumawag nga kayo minsan ditto at baka malay nyo atakin na kami ditto hindi nyo pa alam.” Sorry you always had to worry about us. Sorry we weren’t able to give you the one thing you asked for during those last few weeks in the hospital immediately. You see, we wanted to try dada. We wanted to try all means possible if it meant that you can be with us longer. To try everything so that we won’t have to miss you. So that each one of us won’t have to face the day when you can’t be with us anymore. I am sorry dada. So sorry I didn’t want you to go home immediately when you asked for it. Sorry I was selfish. Because I was hoping and longing for that day when tita would call me and tell me that you were in our home. For that day when I would go home and see you by the window, seating at your favorite chair with your cigarette on hand. Hoping for that day when we can go to the mall together again and tell me “kumain ka na ba? may pagkain jan.. anong gusto mong breakfast bukas?”
I will admit that in this whole 1 month, like everyone else in the family, I too had a lot of questions. A lot of what-if’s. especially during that Sunday. When the doctors confirmed that you had no more chances of survival. That your cancer cannot be cured anymore. During that day when papa cried by your bedside telling you still, “magpakusog ka lang ngani ma, magpakusog kusog ka lang tanganing sarabay na kita mag uruli..” And though we all knew this already days before Sunday, I felt that this was one of those things that reason or logic can never understand. Knowing that there is no more hope yet refusing to understand much more accept.
That particular Sunday, I thought, what if we didn’t bring her to the hospital? What if we just made you stay here? What if some miracle was still possible? Would you have live a longer life? Would the pain be less than the pain we all feel now? So many questions.. so many what-if’s. But then again they remind me, that everything happens for a reason. And so I thought that maybe the answers to all of our questions and what-if’s lies in discovering and accepting these reasons. Sabi nila when you’re good, God spares you from further pain this world will give you. Perhaps it is true. Because dada was not only mabait. She was more than that. She was selfless. She lived her life for us and she was happy, proud, contented.
If there was one thing that dada wanted so much in the whole duration of her battle, it was to go home.. to go back home. This she repeated over and over again. When she was still conscious, when she was groggy, everytime. And even last Monday when she was all weak and sick because of a slight fever, she would really make an effort to stand up and say “mus na, mus na, malou, mus na.” To the very end, she didn’t give up. To the very end this made her happy and smile once more. When tita said “ma, mauli na kita.” When she learned that she was going home.
Now you are back home dada. Back home with your mama, with your papa and all the others who are there to welcome you back home. Now you are back home dada with Our Father, Our Creator, who was so kind to give you to us in this lifetime. So kind to spare you from further pain. Now you are free dada. Free from all those injections, dialysis, morphine and so much more. God was indeed so kind to give us that extra 1 month and a day to be with you still. To make you feel that we love you. Time for us to tell you that we love you. Now you are back home dada. And I would like to think that dear Virgin of Penafrancia is there to guide you. Then we are happy and at peace.
You will forever be in our homes too dada. Peacefully and forever will be in our homes and in our hearts. I guess we will have to learn how to live without your asado, your texts, your calls. Dada, wala nang magsasabi kay B1 na “sino ang kasama mo jan? may kausap ka ba jan? pumunta ka nalang ditto sa akin sa Canda.” Wala nang tatawag kay B2 just to tell her “mag-iingat ka.” Wala nang magsasabi kay Annie na “mag Cherifer ka daw nene..” Wala nang sasabi kay Noel “noy, magtultol ngani ha.. hirak mo man nakukursunadahan.” Wala nang magsasabi kay Ches “haen ka? Nasa harong ka na? mag-ingat pirmi, dai magpara lakwatsa.” Wala nang tatawag sa akin just to tell me “kumusta ang trabaho mo? Gusto mo talaga jan?” Wala nang gigising kay kuya para magpa drive, wala nang magsesermon and say “Bimbo, magtultol ka nonoy ha, mag-adal ka.” Wala nang sasama kay ate mag walking sa Avenue, magsimba sa Basilica, mag malling sa Manila.. wala nang tatawag sa bahay just to ask “ang mga aki, yaon na? Haen si Judy? Si Bong? Si Butch? Si Baby?” Wala nang kasama si dodo mag lunch, wala nang kasama si tita mag pa Manila.. wala na..
Thank you dada for keeping our family together. Thank you for living your life for us. Thank you, thank you so much! We will miss you dada. Indeed we will miss you. The family as well as the people who knew you. Thank you for taking care of dodo. Now it’s time for you to embark on another journey in life. And all we can do is to pray for you and for ourselves that we can go through this as a family. In your truest sense dada and as you would always tell us again and again when we visit you “pray, just pray.” To my family, we will now have to take comfort with each other. And take care of each other. Take care of dodo, tita, Tito Butch, and papa for dada. Kaya tita, I’m sorry pero mukhang hindi ka na talaga makakapang-asawa. Dahil ngayon hindi lang kami ang kailangan mong alagaan, meron ka pang 3 little big boys to take care of. This is what Dada would have wanted. Perhaps, this was her mission she accomplished. To bring and hold this family strong so that we can go through this together. So that one day, we will all be okay.
Tito Butch, you were there the first week dada was hospitalized. And when it was time for you to go home, I too felt your worry. Your pain. That you wanted to stay and yet you had to go. Thank you Tito Butch for coming home to Naga because somebody had to stay here. To coordinate, to be strong, to watch our family here, simply to stay put so that dodo can also go to Manila and be with dada. Thank you Tito Butch, because of you, dada died in the company of dodo, her loving husband. They said that you always tell Ate Carla, Kuya Bimbo, and Noel, to always show your love to your parents. To always respect and take care of their parents and grandparents esp. their mothers because the sacrifice they do for their children is insurmountable. These are the same exact words papa teaches me and my sisters. You are right Tito Butch, Dada was “very understanding, ibibigay niya ang lahat, hindi sya makulit.” Selfless. Thank you Tito Butch for teaching Ate, Kuya, and Noel these words. Thank you for always sharing with the family your family. Because of you, dada had Ate and Kuya to be with during those times when we cannot always be there for them. Thank you.
Thank you papa for texting me last Tuesday to go to the hospital. Had you not texted, I would have forever felt the guilt of knowing that I could’ve been there to be with dada during her last few minutes, but I wasn’t because like tita, I thought, everything was gonna be ok. That she was just gonna be transferred to Mother Seton. Thank you papa for teaching us how to appreciate dada and let her know that we love her. Thank you for always making us drop by Canda everytime we come home. Sabi mo nga, “kahit 5 minutes pa yan o 1 minute basta dapat lagging pumunta.” We never really understood this before. Until only recently when you told us “kaya gusto ko dumadaan kayo sa Canda kahit 5 minutes lang because we’ll never know what will happen and because we only live this life once and not twice.” Thank you papa for crying last Sunday by her bedside. You helped us accept what was already forthcoming.
Thank you tita for being strong at a time when nobody wanted to be strong, when nobody had the guts to be strong. Thank you for being beside dada always and especially during that whole month and a day in the hospital. For serving as our bridge, our translator when dada would suddenly murmur her thoughts unconsciously. For staying strong and laughing when dada said that you were Queen Elizabeth. True enough titaa, you were her queen. You will forever be her Queen. Thank you tita for guiding us in this whole process and for crying your grief. Showing us that if you can do it, then, so can we. So should we. For you know tita, and I know along with dodo and Lola Carol that nothing is more painful than watching dada during those last minutes before 8:30 and knowing that we cannot do anything but wait. That we can do nothing but watch and wait.. parang pelikula.. pero hindi sya exciting. Hearing the sound of the monitor during those last minutes, waiting, until everything goes flat. And the sound of the monitor becomes that of our cries.
Thank you dodo for being strong amidst the pain. I know that the pain you feel is way more than the pain we feel. After all as you told dada when you arrived in the hospital, you are her loving husband. Mapa Ramon, Mario o Luis pa man yan, to dada, you will always be Carlos. The one and only Carlos dada will ever have. Sayang though Ramon will miss her especially now that Tayong Dalawa is about to end. I should know. Because I was there when during one of her most painful moments, when she was already on so much pain, still, she would only call out for two people. Mama and Carlos. Over and over, I would hear, “mama.. mama.. Carlos.. Carlos..” Dodo, you are the one who was always with her. The one who always made her laugh. The one who would always make her say “pondo, Carlos, pondo ta patapusa na muna ako.” And yet during the last 3 days you managed to be strong and arrange for dada to be brought safely back home. For this was all she ever wanted. All she ever said most of the time during that whole span of 1 month and a day. You wanted to give her what she wanted. And now she is home dodo. Peacefully back home. So dodo, thank you. For being strong amidst the pain. For being focused amidst all these confusion. Thank you dodo.
To those who helped dada during her last few hours, thank you. Thank you for helping us in times when tita needed help. To all of you with us and to all who prayed for my dada, thank you. For being with us at a time when your simple “ok ka lang ba?” meant so much more to us. When your simple gestures to make us feel okay helps us feel a little less grief.
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