1 month..

It's been a month and today was perhaps the longest Sunday that I've ever had in my whole life!! I was in the hospital with dada and tita the whole day. To say that it was tiring is truly one big understatement. Even though I did not do anything but stay by dada's bedside, the emotional strength that it needed was truly tiring.

It has been a month since dada came to Manila and checked in at Manila Doctor's Hospital. What was supposed to be a plain and simple check up of her lower back pains eventually evolved into something bigger. Something we never expected. Something nobody ever thought would happen.

It was just 2 months ago from now when dada made a joke to Chesca that she was gonna come to Manila to visit us. She said that she was gonna stay here for a whole month. To watch us and all those stuff. Ches and me, we were never the good apos to her. We naturally got pissed at this. OUr initial reaction?? "WTH?!? She just wants to make us miserable!" You see, dada is the typical lola type. She diapproved of our ways. Of our going home late at night, of our gimicks.. basically, of the way we lived our crazy lives!

Everyday, when she was still strong, dada would try to call us. When she learned how to text, she would text us. Simple text that not even mama would do. Thus, we were at times annoyed.

1 month ago, tita called me to tell me that dada was having lower back pains and cannot eat because of these and that they were coming for a check up. We laughed at this news. Why can't she have it done in Naga?? Doctors are just all the same! No matter where they are, they will always give you the same diagnosis. She did however have some ultrasound done at Mother Seton in Naga. But they insisted to come.

1 week and the doctors found nothing. 2 weeks and they found a lump on her thighs. Tests, tests, and more tests and they confirmed that it was lymphoma! 3 weeks and they suspected that she was in Stage 3. Now, 1 month after. she is totally weak. Disoriented. Groggy. She cannot even recognize us. Doctors confirmed that her lymphoma is now Stage 4. Crap!! Just total crap!!

And just when we were thinking that she only had a few months to live with the help of her chemo, papa suddenly woke us up earlier to tell us: "gising na kayo pls., pupunta na tayo sa hospital. Wala na daw pag-asa si dada sabi ng doctors." When I arrived, tita and her cousins were crying. Decided to stay and wait for the doctors.

Dada, as usual, was disoriented. Groggy. Sometimes she would call out for her mom. Sometimes, she would suddenly remember Kuya, Ate, or us. But most of the time, she doesn't know us anymore. Not even papa. Not tita. Not dodo. And then suddenly she mumbled: "pag-asa.. iniisip ko.. may pag-asa pa ba?"

Or at times she would say: "halika na. Uwi na tayo. Pauwiin nyo nako. Kelan nyo pa ako iuuwi? pag patay na ako?"

Papa decided to go to MOA first with B2. Doctors arrived and for the first time ever, I heard the first doctor say: "iuwi nyo nalang si mommy. mag chemo man tayo, katawan nya na ang nagsasabi na hindi na kaya. ibalik nyo na sya dun habang medyo nakakausap pa sya. continuous na ang pag deteriorate ng condition ni mommy. mahirap man sabihin pero it is best at this time to prepare nalang the family members and si mommy mismo."

A few hours passed by. Dodo became restless. Another doctor came in. He didn't know what to do. Gulo din sya, I guess. I overheard him say: "lymphoma talaga.. ang gulo!" and then suddenly he looked at dodo and said.. "Sir, guarded prognosis pa rin tayo ha.. anything can happen at this time."

For the first time ever, I saw papa cry when he arrived. Cry as in cry. We had a priest do the last sacrament to dada if anything should happen. Papa cried a whole lot with tita. We cried too. Especially when papa said: "keisha, b2, kiss kayo kay dada.. happy grandparent's day ngayon.." and we cried all of us who were there.

Now I don't know what to feel.. what to do.. should I keep all emotions inside me? Do we share this experience with friends? with others? I am no perfect apo. And I will admit that I never wanted to be one. My emotions to dada were not very strong. And only now did I realize the impact, the gravity of what is happening to her. Cancer is such a silent killer!! 1 month.. and they're saying that she can go anytime.. We don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

Dodo is trying to humor himself. Entertain guests. But deep down, he is troubled. I just know it. Nakakaawa. Sometimes he would tell me.. amidst his jokes.. "I was never prepared for this, Kei." And I don't know what to say.

A few days from now, dada will be flying back home to Naga. According to dodo, this is so that should anything happen to her in the coming days, still, she is home. Plus, this is also what dada wants. I wish life can stop. I wish we can all be beside her. But it is like going through hell. Standing by her bedside, it was like waiting for her to die.. but knowing that I cannot do anything. That there is nothing I can do!

A part of me sometimes wonders.. can a miracle really happen? can she still be saved? what if i light a candle at Baclaran? attend masses? go to the Penafrancia fiesta? will it really help her?

At times when her hands are tied I would think.. but she is so strong.. how can doctors say anything can happen? how can her organs deteriorate in a month or two? why so fast?

Ae was right. Cory was right. Cancer truly is something you wouldn't wish to happen to anyone. Not even your worst enemies.

Cancer must be damned. It must be condemned!!!!!!