some people..

some people really, really just piss me off!!! All the time!! GGGrRRRRR.....

make me happy, happy, happy..

arrived from Naga earlier. Super exhausted from all the stuff that happened in Naga. I think I need sleep, sleep, and more sleep! Plus even more SLEEP!!

Due to mama's request, decided not to go directly to school today. In short, HELLO, ABSENT NO. 5!! This was mama's request because Steph was here. She wanted all of us to have lunch or brunch or whatever together so we can "bond" before Ani goes back to Singapore..

Steph's flight was at 6:50 but because she's super lazy, she went with B2 and the driver at 1!! Poor her, poor her, di pala pinapasok sa airport!! BWAHAHAHA...

So I decided to go to the hospital to see my doctor and HOLA!! He told me that I AM OVERWEIGHT!! AND THAT I NEED TO LOOSE 20 POUNDS!! WTH!!??!!

Oh! and drink Celecoxib, Viartril and chuva again!! So, I am officially an ADDICT na talga ata!! With all these pain killers and ekek.. because apparently, I have CHONDROMALACIA PATELLA!! Or in short, bad patella for you and me!!

What's the cure?!? NONE. It's a forever type of thing!! So FOREVER, I CAN'T DO SPORTS!!

haha..

for dada..

When you see your loved one suffering so much, there comes a point when you’ll tell them “sige na, go if you have to go. We will be ok.” Among all the things that I found out were true recently, this was the one that never happened or occurred to me. This never even crossed my mind. Not even last Sunday when the doctors told us that anything can happen at that point and time. What do you do when you hear doctors say: “Mr. del Castillo, guarded prognosis tayo ngayon ha. Basta anything can happen na..” When you hear them tell your tita “the best thing we can do now is to bring her home.. and prepare the family dahil continuous na ang pag deteriorate ng condition nya.” Indeed, what do you do?

1 month. The longest 1 month our family has ever had. Long enough for us to see dada fight her battle, long enough for us to see her cry, to hear her shout.. to hear her thoughts.. to hear her wonder out loud if she still had any hopes. “pag-asa” she said 2 days before Tuesday. “iniisip ko kung may pag-asa pa ako..” And true enough, it was never about her. Sabi nga nyan ni Kuya Bimbo, with dada, it was always “ika.. ika.. ika.. never about her.” For amidst her pain, she would often still worry about me, Ches, Kuya, Ate and just about each one of us in our family. Again as Kuya said, “very typical dada.” 1 month. The longest 1 month we’ve ever had.

Ironically though, it was also the shortest month we’ve ever had. So short we weren’t even able to say thank you. Thank you for taking care of papa. Thank you for taking care of Tito Butch, for taking care of tita and dodo. For taking care of us. Thank you for being our supporter, our spoiler. Thank you for always making us feel right even when you tell us in your words that what we are doing is already daindata. “Daindata yan nene, daindata” you would often say. Dada, thank you for allowing us to do what we want to do and what will make us happy. I remember you would always say too “pabayai na kung iyo ang gusto.” You always made us feel that no matter what happens, you will always be there to comfort us and to make us feel loved.

We also weren’t able to say sorry dada. Sorry we seldom visited you. Sorry you had to be the one calling us. Sorry for laughing when dodo said “tumawag nga kayo minsan ditto at baka malay nyo atakin na kami ditto hindi nyo pa alam.” Sorry you always had to worry about us. Sorry we weren’t able to give you the one thing you asked for during those last few weeks in the hospital immediately. You see, we wanted to try dada. We wanted to try all means possible if it meant that you can be with us longer. To try everything so that we won’t have to miss you. So that each one of us won’t have to face the day when you can’t be with us anymore. I am sorry dada. So sorry I didn’t want you to go home immediately when you asked for it. Sorry I was selfish. Because I was hoping and longing for that day when tita would call me and tell me that you were in our home. For that day when I would go home and see you by the window, seating at your favorite chair with your cigarette on hand. Hoping for that day when we can go to the mall together again and tell me “kumain ka na ba? may pagkain jan.. anong gusto mong breakfast bukas?”

I will admit that in this whole 1 month, like everyone else in the family, I too had a lot of questions. A lot of what-if’s. especially during that Sunday. When the doctors confirmed that you had no more chances of survival. That your cancer cannot be cured anymore. During that day when papa cried by your bedside telling you still, “magpakusog ka lang ngani ma, magpakusog kusog ka lang tanganing sarabay na kita mag uruli..” And though we all knew this already days before Sunday, I felt that this was one of those things that reason or logic can never understand. Knowing that there is no more hope yet refusing to understand much more accept.

That particular Sunday, I thought, what if we didn’t bring her to the hospital? What if we just made you stay here? What if some miracle was still possible? Would you have live a longer life? Would the pain be less than the pain we all feel now? So many questions.. so many what-if’s. But then again they remind me, that everything happens for a reason. And so I thought that maybe the answers to all of our questions and what-if’s lies in discovering and accepting these reasons. Sabi nila when you’re good, God spares you from further pain this world will give you. Perhaps it is true. Because dada was not only mabait. She was more than that. She was selfless. She lived her life for us and she was happy, proud, contented.

If there was one thing that dada wanted so much in the whole duration of her battle, it was to go home.. to go back home. This she repeated over and over again. When she was still conscious, when she was groggy, everytime. And even last Monday when she was all weak and sick because of a slight fever, she would really make an effort to stand up and say “mus na, mus na, malou, mus na.” To the very end, she didn’t give up. To the very end this made her happy and smile once more. When tita said “ma, mauli na kita.” When she learned that she was going home.

Now you are back home dada. Back home with your mama, with your papa and all the others who are there to welcome you back home. Now you are back home dada with Our Father, Our Creator, who was so kind to give you to us in this lifetime. So kind to spare you from further pain. Now you are free dada. Free from all those injections, dialysis, morphine and so much more. God was indeed so kind to give us that extra 1 month and a day to be with you still. To make you feel that we love you. Time for us to tell you that we love you. Now you are back home dada. And I would like to think that dear Virgin of Penafrancia is there to guide you. Then we are happy and at peace.

You will forever be in our homes too dada. Peacefully and forever will be in our homes and in our hearts. I guess we will have to learn how to live without your asado, your texts, your calls. Dada, wala nang magsasabi kay B1 na “sino ang kasama mo jan? may kausap ka ba jan? pumunta ka nalang ditto sa akin sa Canda.” Wala nang tatawag kay B2 just to tell her “mag-iingat ka.” Wala nang magsasabi kay Annie na “mag Cherifer ka daw nene..” Wala nang sasabi kay Noel “noy, magtultol ngani ha.. hirak mo man nakukursunadahan.” Wala nang magsasabi kay Ches “haen ka? Nasa harong ka na? mag-ingat pirmi, dai magpara lakwatsa.” Wala nang tatawag sa akin just to tell me “kumusta ang trabaho mo? Gusto mo talaga jan?” Wala nang gigising kay kuya para magpa drive, wala nang magsesermon and say “Bimbo, magtultol ka nonoy ha, mag-adal ka.” Wala nang sasama kay ate mag walking sa Avenue, magsimba sa Basilica, mag malling sa Manila.. wala nang tatawag sa bahay just to ask “ang mga aki, yaon na? Haen si Judy? Si Bong? Si Butch? Si Baby?” Wala nang kasama si dodo mag lunch, wala nang kasama si tita mag pa Manila.. wala na..

Thank you dada for keeping our family together. Thank you for living your life for us. Thank you, thank you so much! We will miss you dada. Indeed we will miss you. The family as well as the people who knew you. Thank you for taking care of dodo. Now it’s time for you to embark on another journey in life. And all we can do is to pray for you and for ourselves that we can go through this as a family. In your truest sense dada and as you would always tell us again and again when we visit you “pray, just pray.” To my family, we will now have to take comfort with each other. And take care of each other. Take care of dodo, tita, Tito Butch, and papa for dada. Kaya tita, I’m sorry pero mukhang hindi ka na talaga makakapang-asawa. Dahil ngayon hindi lang kami ang kailangan mong alagaan, meron ka pang 3 little big boys to take care of. This is what Dada would have wanted. Perhaps, this was her mission she accomplished. To bring and hold this family strong so that we can go through this together. So that one day, we will all be okay.

Tito Butch, you were there the first week dada was hospitalized. And when it was time for you to go home, I too felt your worry. Your pain. That you wanted to stay and yet you had to go. Thank you Tito Butch for coming home to Naga because somebody had to stay here. To coordinate, to be strong, to watch our family here, simply to stay put so that dodo can also go to Manila and be with dada. Thank you Tito Butch, because of you, dada died in the company of dodo, her loving husband. They said that you always tell Ate Carla, Kuya Bimbo, and Noel, to always show your love to your parents. To always respect and take care of their parents and grandparents esp. their mothers because the sacrifice they do for their children is insurmountable. These are the same exact words papa teaches me and my sisters. You are right Tito Butch, Dada was “very understanding, ibibigay niya ang lahat, hindi sya makulit.” Selfless. Thank you Tito Butch for teaching Ate, Kuya, and Noel these words. Thank you for always sharing with the family your family. Because of you, dada had Ate and Kuya to be with during those times when we cannot always be there for them. Thank you.

Thank you papa for texting me last Tuesday to go to the hospital. Had you not texted, I would have forever felt the guilt of knowing that I could’ve been there to be with dada during her last few minutes, but I wasn’t because like tita, I thought, everything was gonna be ok. That she was just gonna be transferred to Mother Seton. Thank you papa for teaching us how to appreciate dada and let her know that we love her. Thank you for always making us drop by Canda everytime we come home. Sabi mo nga, “kahit 5 minutes pa yan o 1 minute basta dapat lagging pumunta.” We never really understood this before. Until only recently when you told us “kaya gusto ko dumadaan kayo sa Canda kahit 5 minutes lang because we’ll never know what will happen and because we only live this life once and not twice.” Thank you papa for crying last Sunday by her bedside. You helped us accept what was already forthcoming.

Thank you tita for being strong at a time when nobody wanted to be strong, when nobody had the guts to be strong. Thank you for being beside dada always and especially during that whole month and a day in the hospital. For serving as our bridge, our translator when dada would suddenly murmur her thoughts unconsciously. For staying strong and laughing when dada said that you were Queen Elizabeth. True enough titaa, you were her queen. You will forever be her Queen. Thank you tita for guiding us in this whole process and for crying your grief. Showing us that if you can do it, then, so can we. So should we. For you know tita, and I know along with dodo and Lola Carol that nothing is more painful than watching dada during those last minutes before 8:30 and knowing that we cannot do anything but wait. That we can do nothing but watch and wait.. parang pelikula.. pero hindi sya exciting. Hearing the sound of the monitor during those last minutes, waiting, until everything goes flat. And the sound of the monitor becomes that of our cries.

Thank you dodo for being strong amidst the pain. I know that the pain you feel is way more than the pain we feel. After all as you told dada when you arrived in the hospital, you are her loving husband. Mapa Ramon, Mario o Luis pa man yan, to dada, you will always be Carlos. The one and only Carlos dada will ever have. Sayang though Ramon will miss her especially now that Tayong Dalawa is about to end. I should know. Because I was there when during one of her most painful moments, when she was already on so much pain, still, she would only call out for two people. Mama and Carlos. Over and over, I would hear, “mama.. mama.. Carlos.. Carlos..” Dodo, you are the one who was always with her. The one who always made her laugh. The one who would always make her say “pondo, Carlos, pondo ta patapusa na muna ako.” And yet during the last 3 days you managed to be strong and arrange for dada to be brought safely back home. For this was all she ever wanted. All she ever said most of the time during that whole span of 1 month and a day. You wanted to give her what she wanted. And now she is home dodo. Peacefully back home. So dodo, thank you. For being strong amidst the pain. For being focused amidst all these confusion. Thank you dodo.

To those who helped dada during her last few hours, thank you. Thank you for helping us in times when tita needed help. To all of you with us and to all who prayed for my dada, thank you. For being with us at a time when your simple “ok ka lang ba?” meant so much more to us. When your simple gestures to make us feel okay helps us feel a little less grief.

To end, I would like to thank you in the words my dodo told me to tell you yesterday. And I quote: “In behalf of my dodo, Carlos del Castillo, and the children, Tito Butch, Tita Malou and my papa Bong, I would like to express our sincere appreciation for your condolences and gestures of sympathy in the hour of our bereavement. Indeed, the demise of dada as we call her is a great loss to the family and we’ll need a long lasting craving for her deep affection, devotion, and care to the members of the family. The latter is one in acknowledging that dada is the best wife, the best mother, and the best grandmother. We love her so much and may we ask you to say a prayer that her soul may rest in peace with the Lord.”

1 month..

It's been a month and today was perhaps the longest Sunday that I've ever had in my whole life!! I was in the hospital with dada and tita the whole day. To say that it was tiring is truly one big understatement. Even though I did not do anything but stay by dada's bedside, the emotional strength that it needed was truly tiring.

It has been a month since dada came to Manila and checked in at Manila Doctor's Hospital. What was supposed to be a plain and simple check up of her lower back pains eventually evolved into something bigger. Something we never expected. Something nobody ever thought would happen.

It was just 2 months ago from now when dada made a joke to Chesca that she was gonna come to Manila to visit us. She said that she was gonna stay here for a whole month. To watch us and all those stuff. Ches and me, we were never the good apos to her. We naturally got pissed at this. OUr initial reaction?? "WTH?!? She just wants to make us miserable!" You see, dada is the typical lola type. She diapproved of our ways. Of our going home late at night, of our gimicks.. basically, of the way we lived our crazy lives!

Everyday, when she was still strong, dada would try to call us. When she learned how to text, she would text us. Simple text that not even mama would do. Thus, we were at times annoyed.

1 month ago, tita called me to tell me that dada was having lower back pains and cannot eat because of these and that they were coming for a check up. We laughed at this news. Why can't she have it done in Naga?? Doctors are just all the same! No matter where they are, they will always give you the same diagnosis. She did however have some ultrasound done at Mother Seton in Naga. But they insisted to come.

1 week and the doctors found nothing. 2 weeks and they found a lump on her thighs. Tests, tests, and more tests and they confirmed that it was lymphoma! 3 weeks and they suspected that she was in Stage 3. Now, 1 month after. she is totally weak. Disoriented. Groggy. She cannot even recognize us. Doctors confirmed that her lymphoma is now Stage 4. Crap!! Just total crap!!

And just when we were thinking that she only had a few months to live with the help of her chemo, papa suddenly woke us up earlier to tell us: "gising na kayo pls., pupunta na tayo sa hospital. Wala na daw pag-asa si dada sabi ng doctors." When I arrived, tita and her cousins were crying. Decided to stay and wait for the doctors.

Dada, as usual, was disoriented. Groggy. Sometimes she would call out for her mom. Sometimes, she would suddenly remember Kuya, Ate, or us. But most of the time, she doesn't know us anymore. Not even papa. Not tita. Not dodo. And then suddenly she mumbled: "pag-asa.. iniisip ko.. may pag-asa pa ba?"

Or at times she would say: "halika na. Uwi na tayo. Pauwiin nyo nako. Kelan nyo pa ako iuuwi? pag patay na ako?"

Papa decided to go to MOA first with B2. Doctors arrived and for the first time ever, I heard the first doctor say: "iuwi nyo nalang si mommy. mag chemo man tayo, katawan nya na ang nagsasabi na hindi na kaya. ibalik nyo na sya dun habang medyo nakakausap pa sya. continuous na ang pag deteriorate ng condition ni mommy. mahirap man sabihin pero it is best at this time to prepare nalang the family members and si mommy mismo."

A few hours passed by. Dodo became restless. Another doctor came in. He didn't know what to do. Gulo din sya, I guess. I overheard him say: "lymphoma talaga.. ang gulo!" and then suddenly he looked at dodo and said.. "Sir, guarded prognosis pa rin tayo ha.. anything can happen at this time."

For the first time ever, I saw papa cry when he arrived. Cry as in cry. We had a priest do the last sacrament to dada if anything should happen. Papa cried a whole lot with tita. We cried too. Especially when papa said: "keisha, b2, kiss kayo kay dada.. happy grandparent's day ngayon.." and we cried all of us who were there.

Now I don't know what to feel.. what to do.. should I keep all emotions inside me? Do we share this experience with friends? with others? I am no perfect apo. And I will admit that I never wanted to be one. My emotions to dada were not very strong. And only now did I realize the impact, the gravity of what is happening to her. Cancer is such a silent killer!! 1 month.. and they're saying that she can go anytime.. We don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

Dodo is trying to humor himself. Entertain guests. But deep down, he is troubled. I just know it. Nakakaawa. Sometimes he would tell me.. amidst his jokes.. "I was never prepared for this, Kei." And I don't know what to say.

A few days from now, dada will be flying back home to Naga. According to dodo, this is so that should anything happen to her in the coming days, still, she is home. Plus, this is also what dada wants. I wish life can stop. I wish we can all be beside her. But it is like going through hell. Standing by her bedside, it was like waiting for her to die.. but knowing that I cannot do anything. That there is nothing I can do!

A part of me sometimes wonders.. can a miracle really happen? can she still be saved? what if i light a candle at Baclaran? attend masses? go to the Penafrancia fiesta? will it really help her?

At times when her hands are tied I would think.. but she is so strong.. how can doctors say anything can happen? how can her organs deteriorate in a month or two? why so fast?

Ae was right. Cory was right. Cancer truly is something you wouldn't wish to happen to anyone. Not even your worst enemies.

Cancer must be damned. It must be condemned!!!!!!

WTH?!?

Quick blog!! Just wanna shout out!!

WTH?!? Cancer is such a silent killer!! I HATE, HATE, HATE IT!!

As much as I don't really wanna HATE anything or anyone in life, I will have to admit!! CANCER, I HATE THEE!!

Life is short!! oh so short!! We have to live our lives the way we want to!! One day at a time!! I AM QUICKLY REALIZING THIS BECAUSE OF DADA'S SITUATION!!

Yeah! God is good!! No matter how bad the circumstances, He always gives us time, be it short or long.. to change and make up for our mistakes in the past!! Time is truly important!! I suddenly wanna make up for all those times that I wasn't the perfect apo to my dada.. crap!!

Now I have to run.. this is such a short, short blog! just wanna shout out what I'm feeling right now!! coz I don't wanna make anybody sad.. that has never been my belief.. although partly, I do wish that someone can help me deal with these emotions.. Sad. coz though I'm just an apo.. it's so hard to see dada, dodo, tita, and my papa suffering because of the freaking Big "C" that's so rampant in our society nowadays!!!

YES!! THE BIG "C" MUST BE DAMNED AND CONDEMNED!!

Now I have to rush to the hospital na.. coz doctors already confirmed just this morning that my dada, has no more chance of surviving this battle!! ZERO!! NADA!! NONE!!

1 Birthday, 8 Celebrations!

1 birthday, 8 celebrations! It's been 15 days after my birthday and I have had 8 celebrations to celebrate my 22nd year on earth so far!! I guess the party just never really stops! After all, I used to think that life is one big party!! 

Celebrated my 22nd by.. 

1. Having dinner with my sisters Ches and B2 at Heat.. yummy, yummy food! Obviously, this was a no-diet day for me, for all of us!  Well, hindi naman talaga uso yun sa kanila e! 

CHES + B2 + ME + HEAT = PIGS

2. chatting, laughing over cake, junk, and booze with some of my best girl friends Elaine and Jen! Sayang Annie wasn't around. This was Aug. 22.. fell asleep at Jen's house while trying to watch Hangover.. woke up Aug. 23 (actual date of my birthday) at Jen's at 6 A.M. then went home.. 

Jen, Annie, and Elaine makes me go crazy!! Junk food, crazier!! Booze, uber crazy!! (ayoko craziest eh!!)

JEN + ME + ANNIE + ELAINE + BOOZE = BSG GIRLS

3. going to the hospital. Visiting and celebrating with my dada (that's lola for you), tita,        sisters,Bong and Daniel. Ate pizza! what more can I say?!? PIZZA IS LOVE! It really is!! 

PIZZA = LOVE

4. had dinner with college best friends Naireen and Bettina at Rockwell! These girls make me GO LOCCO!! ROCKWELL MAKES MY HEART BEAT FASTER!! 

COLLEGE BFF'S + ROCKWELL = CRAZY-NESS

5. celebrating with my GBF classmates!! Pizza, pizza, pizza, and more pizza!!! I obviously love, love, love to eat PIZZA!! YOU CAN FEED ME PIZZA EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE!! NO COMPLAINTS!! My GBF classmates are just THE BEST!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THEM ALL!! 

They INSPIRE me.. and make me go CRAZY all at the same time!! 

GBF PEOPLE + ME + PIZZA = LOVE (to the highest level!)

6. touring UP and eating Cho Kiss with my cousin, Che Che Jeremy!! Sweets, Che Jems, UP!! INCREDIBLE!! So CHica! I LOVET!! UP at nightime is FABULOUS!! JUST FABULOUS!! Then Trinoma after for some Red Mango.. 

SWEETS + CHE JEMS = SUGAR RUSH!! 

7. having chit-chat and chismis and laughter with Yuchi and Hannah at Grissini Resto in Naga! 

YUCHI + HANNAH + ME = CHICA

8. pizza, pizza, pizza as well as chika, chika, chika, and even more chika with my other HS friends tomorrow!! James, Abe, Kams, Nica and all of them! AH, LOVE!! 

HS FRIENDS + FOOD + BOOZA = CHICA LOVE?

So that, in a way, I celebrated with the people who are most important in my life now at all my favorite places!! I LOVET!! 

Ah, life!! I love, love, love my birthday!! Reason to be crazy! Reason to be thankful! Reason to just let loose on the chikas and pig out on the food!! 

I love my friends! My HS friends, my college friends, my GBF friends!! You guys are in the same level with my family!! YOU MAKE MY LIFE.. WONDERFUL!! PERFECT!! FABULOUS!! 

I LIVE FOR YOU GUYS!! 

And now after all these pizza pigging out, I seriously, seriously need that long forgotten DIET!!

happy..

Had dinner with che-che and coco at Yello Cab earlier.. Ay! Lovet! This is Naga! Welcome home, Keisha!! Hanging out in Hoyeh, making chika all day long, walking back home from town! Oh life!! It is so calm, so nothing much is happening-ish.. 

So here I was enjoying my bummer/part-time construction worker life here in Naga.. waiting for mama to come back so that I can go back to my "other" life in Manila when suddenly I got a call from Steph while in the tricycle!! 

And boy!! you know me!! and I know me!! When I'm excited, I AM EXCITED!! I REALLY AM!! I SHOUT FOR JOY!! I DO!! so kahit nasa tricylcle ako, I SAID OH MY GOSH!! 

Here's our conversation that got me super excited:

Steph: Hello achi, what do you like? Black or white?!?

Me: haaa??? umm.. wait, anu ba yan?

S: Bag!

M: OMG!! OMG!! BAG?!? kahit anu basta maganda!!

S: di ko nga alam kung anu e kasi pareho sila maganda!

M: umm... ok (calming myself).. black cguro coz i have white na.. 

S: (to mom) black nalang daw kasi blah.. blah.. blah.. (blurry, blurry) ui, medyo (something I can't tell) to ah.. haha..

M: Ha? seriously? bakit? anu ba yan?

S: Steve Madden!

M: OMFG!!!

Good Lord!! what did I do to deserve such a great reward??? If this is what being mom's alalay will give me then, so be it!! Let me be it!! I want to be your alalay na, mom!! God is good!! Life is good!! aaahhhh.... it's making me crazy!!

And I want to stop na talaga buying stuff and blah, blah with my AVIS from my parents.. but how can I?? how do I?? when my mom is the no. 1 kunsintedor of my luho in life????? I guess, I got it from her talaga!! That's why she's kunsintidora!! AAArrrggghhhh!!! 

You know me! Nothing makes me happier than the thought and act of having a new bag!! I don't want nman all the time branded bags.. I like them all as they come to me as long as they're cute and practical!! - cheap bags, small bags, big bags, expensive bags!! 

And while I do have my preference for Charles and Keith bags, Steve Madden, I guess, is not bad too!! But bad for my wish to grow up and learn how to stop living on my parents' AVIS!!

'coz once I get one of a particular brand, I love to collect!! I really do!! and bags!! Crap! they make me crazy!! real hard!! i hate you mom!! 

Now I wonder.. is this the result of us giving you mom your birthday present that I soooo wanna get?? oh, life!! 

Exciting!! Can't wait for Thursday to see my new love!! Ah, Steve!! I have a feeling that we're so gonna be BFF's for life!!

;-)

what drives you?

What drives you? How can somebody look so effing good but be actually bad on the inside?!? And I don't think that bad is good enough a word to describe what you did!! or what they said you did!!?? You are so totally not worth it!! 

How can you ever function properly when honestly, the only thing that seems to drive you is your hidden insecurity to somebody else which, quite frankly, is already slowly becoming more and more obvious. Dude, you seriously need to think and I mean, think hard!! 'coz obviously, your problems and your issues will, in one way or another become evident!! to me, to you, to them, to all!! Change is key man!! Change before it's too late!! Yeah, it's kind of a now or never thing! Believe me!! 

Insecurity will do you no good man!! Because in the end, IT IS NOT WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! IT IS NOT WHAT WILL EVER MAKE YOU HAPPY!! LIFE IS SHORT, SO WHY LIVE A POINTLESS, CRAPPY, BORING LIFE BASED ON YOUR INSECURITIES?!? 

Let me tell you this, A is A. Will forever be A. B is B. Will also forever be B. And U are U. No matter what you do, how hard you try, U will never be A, B, or whoever else you want to be!! ANd trust me, in trying to be them, YOU ARE WASTING WHO YOU ARE!! And I am sad. I truly am. Because I know you!! I used to BELIEVE IN YOU! I ADMIRED YOU! TALKED ABOUT YOU WITH MUCH RESPECT! TO SOME EXTENT, I WANTED TO BE LIKE YOU! YOU ARE ONE GREAT MAN!! 

You have the capacity to inspire so many. The capacity to turn over the tables. The capacity to win over the hearts of those who doesn't even know you!! PLEASE!! DON'T LET ME THINK THAT THIS IS ALL JUST ONE BIG KA-PLASTIKAN!! DON'T LET ME DOWN!! DON'T LET THEM DOWN!! DON'T LET US DOWN!! 

WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF ALL THE ACHIEVEMENTS, HONORS, RECOGNITIONS, AND WHAT-NOT that you have?? When if you think about it, YOUR LIFE IS SLOWLY BECOMING LONELY. VERY LONELY. AND IF YOU DO REACH THE TOP, WHAT POINT DOES IT MAKE? WHAT SENSE WILL IT HAVE?? WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE ALL ALONE!! THAT THERE IS NO ONE TO SHARE THAT JOY WITH YOU?? Now I totally understand why you said... 

But there is great opportunity waiting for you. LET THIS JOURNEY BE A LIFE-CHANGING ONE FOR YOU. STOP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. THINK BEFORE YOU LOOSE US ALL. OPEN YOUR MIND AND JUST ONCE.. EVEN FOR JUST ONE MOMENT.. LISTEN AND SEE WHAT WE'RE MAKING YOU SEE!! 

LIFE IS SHORT MAN. IT TRULY IS. LIVE IT THE WAY YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY REGRETS. COZ' IT FEELS CRAPPY WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT AND YOU KNOW THAT IT'S TOO LATE. IT'S JUST TOO LATE. IT'S A CRAPPY FEELING.. I TELL YOU!! 

And how can I be so stupid not to see all of this?!? You know how blind faith sometimes leads us to trouble?!? well, I almost experienced that!! Almost. But not quite!! Blind admiration!! Crap!! Sometimes, what we see is really not what we get!! LOOKS DO DECEIVE YOU!! freaking deceitful!! SCARY. 

But amidst all these, of course, still, I stand by my words dude!! And know that I will always be here for you. ALWAYS. I feel that right now, this is all I can do to help you. to support you and be always ready to help you. To listen. To show you I care. But then again, it's all up to you.. if you want it.. and if you do decide to accept it!! 

I want to be biased. But I can't get myself to be one! I want to help. But I am so effing shocked by this little piece of information!! I try to be calm. I want to be calm. I hope I can be calm.. 

my life and you!! yes, YOU!!

who would've thought our lives will be like this now.. mom's off to Singapore again! Papa's in Manila to help tita.. Ches will be going to Japan for school, Steph is in Singa.. forever in Singapore.. and I.. am stuck here in Naga with B1.. doing mama's errands, chatting, texting, blogging.. had to skip school for a week. So sad. So bad. Sayang I won't see Mike on Wednesday when he goes to school.. I will be back Thurs. pa! RAR!! 

And you.. YES, YOU!! You confuse me (yikes!). Please stop! Do stop! Before we all get in trouble!! I don't want any trouble now.. My energies must be focused on GBF!! Yes, GBF and GBF alone!! because.. I want to go to Phase 2! GBF is and will be my life for the next 4 months first!! I LOVE!!

  

;-)