Oh, the things I'm learning..

GBF, oh GBF, you sure are making me learn a whole lot of things!!

3 weeks into the program and I find myself with a lot of thoughts to think about..

learnings.. realizations.. and so much more!!

about myself. about others. but mostly, still, about me. It's that kind of case..

the kind of I, Myself, and Me Pa Rin!!

I look at my classmates. And then I try to look at myself. I see their flaws. But mostly, I see their outstanding traits. Then I ask myself, why can't I be like that?!? How can they be like that?!? Super achievers.. super passionate.. super devoted.. super dedicated.. super good even.. super humble amidst all their achievements! .. everything I can only wish to be.

They inspire me. They make me think.. think.. think.. and think again. Someday, I hope to be inspired to move.. and act. Because though I'm happy with who I am now, I sure am would be very glad to be hawa sa kanila! haha..

Because the me I'm now is still very much 21.. still very much..

I'm an adventure-whore. I'd go anywhere I see adventure. I'd do anything that spells adventure. New ones. Old ones. Say adventure and I know I'm in!!

I'm a wanderlust! I crave to go to places I've never been to! The more spontaneous, the better!

I don't like plans! I believe in doing things when I feel it, when I want it! I think about them.. but seldom.. rare! When I do think about them for a long time, I get discouraged. I get confused. And I hate it! Oh, I know I hate it!!

I'm bakla! I like everything happy. Girly. Kikay! I live to laugh. I live to be kirs.. but just the right amount. I get bothered when things are so down. I don't like the aura.

I'm maarte. But I like doing things that are cowboy!

People say I'm sheltered. And it's true. All my life, I've been sheltered. I live a life where I can easily have what I want at the time when I want it. I don't like it all the time. I strive to veer away from it. But I find myself sometimes longing for the privilege of having a life given to me by my parents. I don't know if I deserve such kind of life. But I'd like to think that I do. That I worked hard for it. Just like everyone else!

I'm rebelde! I try to break free! Break away from my parents. Work to get things I want. Work for myself. Earn the things that I have through my own efforts. I refuse to accept help given to me by my parents. I insist on working for it on my own. But of course, not financially. NEVER FINANCIALLY.

I'm independent. Or at least I'd like to think that I am. I live my life the way I want to. I am my own director. But THE PARENTS are and will always be my producers!!

I'm lazy. I hate work. I hate waking up in the mornings. I hate household chores.. cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry and all those stuff.. I guess habits are really hard to change. Much more remove.

I'm addicted. To a lot of things! But most especially to junk food! I want to stop. But I crave. And I crave hard. I like things instant. I'm patient and impatient both at the same time!

I am impulsive. When I see that I want something, I almost instantly feel that I deserve it!! I just know I deserve it!

I'm crazy! I'm always confused. Always happy. Always up. Always down. Always hyper. Always sleepy. But most of the time, just plain sleepy and lazy.. sleepy and lazy! I want to be the other way around.. but there is always that BIG BUT!! Always that BIG BUT..

I try to be humble. I want to be super humble! I am not comfortable talking about what my parents do or what my family did. If I am going to be me, I want people to know me as me. And not as the daughter of.. or the granddaughter of..

I am in a continuous search of me. In a continuous journey to improve myself through the stories of the people I meet in this life I chose for myself.

Why did I want to go through all these hardship to get the GBF Scholarship? Easy. Because this is the way I wanna do it. Because this is the way I will be able to further improve myself. And I sure am glad. True, it's a lot of work now. It wasn't the break I expected. But the people I'm meeting and the friends I'm making make up for all the hard work I am expected to give to this program.

My mom once told me when I felt like giving up: "Go ahead and live your life there. Experience everything you wanna experience. Do all you wanna do. Be an employee. Explore the world that is out there for you. And when the time comes that you feel like you've had enough.. then, come back home. Coz' there will always be a world waiting here for you."

Now I can say.. that I am truly realizing the meaning of that one!! And I'm happy. That I did not give up when I wanted to. That my mom was pakialamera.. and that she still is one big pakialamera!! As I always tell her, that she is lily van der woodsen-ish!! That she is Gossip Girl much!!

Thank you, GBF!! Thank you, dong xie men!