I'm trying to convince myself..

Today, I'm trying to convince myself to grow up! The best thing ever ( Ithink, so far ) that GBF has done for me was to put me in the company of 39 other scholars who are very passionate, independent, wonderful. With particular stress on the INDEPENDENT part!!

Most of my newfound friends are very independent! Everything they have, everything they achieved, they got due to their own efforts. Both financially and the other things that they have. Note: FINANCIALLY!!

Rar!! I want to be financially independent too!! But this I'm still learning. Learning. And trying to convince myself to be FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT!! C!! Totally C!! It is so hard!!

My friends back home aren't like that! My friends here are not totally like that!! I go to GBF and I find that most of them are already like that!! I am so jealous!! You know me, I know me.. I easily get jealous of what others around me are doing!! and so I want to copy!! BUT JUST CANNOT!!

The mall makes it hard for me. My lifestyle makes it hard for me. It's like getting away from my drugs!! It's drugs!! Addictive. Very addictive!!

And so today I am trying to convince myself to grow up and start learning this new trait!! Yesterday I was in the mall again with my AVIS (of course!) and totally had to bite my finger to stop myself from holding on to that shirt.. bag.. shades.. and what-not and bringing it to the cashier!! I try. and try. and try harder.

But without AVIS, without my parents financial support, I wonder, what will I be. I have to wonder how will I be. I cannot. I cannot!! I want, I want!! Grr.. It.is.so.effing.hard!! C!! C!! C!!

I think I need more practice!! 10 months!! I hope I come out victoriously!! I need to!! I want to!! I swear!!

My Life..

Life is a beach. My life is.

I wanna swim in it.

Take some time to sit down and relax.

Appreciate what is there.

Embrace the love that it has to offer me.

Life is a beach.

I wanna surf in it.

Brave the waves, hold on tight

and still come out victoriously.

Life is a beach.

I wanna dive.

Venture out into the deep

and see what else is there.

See the beauty that is not always obvious

to e, to you, to us all.

Life is a beach.

I wanna go island hop.

Jump, shout..

sit, swim..

run.. relax.

Learn.

My life is a beach.

At 22 I finally realized.

It is too short a stay..

There is no time for worries.

No room for fear.

Or even for regrets.

Life is a beach.

I wanna make the most out of it.

And let the sun give me a fabulous tan!!

Officially 22..

turned 22 last Sunday! Ah! Officially 22!! I wonder what life holds for me this year. I am just so excited!!

Sunday was a very happy day. It definitely was a different kind of day for me. While I did not have any dinners or lunches scheduled for that day, I was really happy! I'd like to think that I spent the day reflecting on things.. on life.. but nah! nobody would ever believe that! I myself won't believe that!! Super!!

The parents failed to deliver. They didn't give me their promised gift! Sad. I know. I'm kind of hoping while at the same time trying (hard) to accept that we can't have everything we ask for! or at least, not immediately!! or that sometimes, I just really need to grow up, act my age (22 now) and start learning how to pay for the things that I want! Grrr.... Hard! Super hard!

The parents, however, gave me a book with a cd on learning chinese from their trip to Singapore! Wow. Great. It's like telling me: "hello, achi!! make it a career!! study hard!!" But in all fairness to my mom, she gave me a Prep 4 book!! Totally overestimated my capacity!! I think! as I'm really super kind of having a hard time! haha..

Oh, at 22, life also gave me 40 new friends!! My classmates in GBF! I never imagined that almost all of them would remember or greet on my birthday.. but they did! and I am so touched! Having my friends makes me feel so super blessed!!

Ah! Life is a beach! It truly is! My life is! I am so excited for this year! Really excited! Super!

FRUSTRATED.. WILL SHOP!!

Frustrated. Will Shop. I am. Frustrated. Exhausted. 

Frustrated not because of school.. definitely. But because of something else! 

A few days ago I found out and totally understood the reason why some people say that they hate liars most! I cannot agree more!! Liars make everything complicated. They make small things big! They make simple things complicated! They totally ruin everything! They complicate things!

And I so wanted to get mad! But WTC, I cannot get myself to get mad!! Instead, I found myself calmly explaining things to someone who, unfortunately, cannot understand anything. Someone who refused to understand anything!! Coz' honestly, how can anyone ever not understand anything??? Anything at all?!? Totally C!! 

Tis week I also forgot that today was the bday of the twins! the spoiled twins!! Wow. Suddenly got a duty to do 1 day before their birthday!! Find a cake. Not just any cake. But a fondant cake na made to order! Sabi ni Bossing Lily, maarte mother!! Didn't know these cakes take a week to order!! So, Dorota duty failed but not completely!! Learned my lesson there!! 1 point!!

Came up with a run-down type of birthday cake.. mini cake and cupcakes combined with 2D figures pa!! Oh, I'm good. Good at being Dorota!! But 1 thing 1 forgot was the candles!! Weird. Having cakes without any candles. Totally weird!! Next time. Next time. 

So for the spoiled twins' bday, I had to wait in Greenbelt 5 on my own until dinnertime.. Alone. Tired. Exhausted from school. Greenbelt. What to do. Craving. So... Will SHop! 

Ah! Shopping!! Totally makes me feel better! Will shop. Will shop. Will shop!! Until THE PARENTS DROP!!

Thank you parents for paying.

Thank you Greenbelt for encouraging. 

Thank you AVIS for making me kunsinte. 

Thank you self for craving!! 

Today I missed the badmintton session of my classmates and Jen's despedida. This got me sad. Really sad. But Greenbelt and AVIS sure made me feel better!! ;-)

And now I have to stay away from Greenbelt le!! and leave AVIS home le!! and BPI as well!! 

Because when I'm tired.. and exhausted.. and frustrated.. and bored.. 

It's dangerous!! Oh so dangerous!! 

Oh, the things I'm learning..

GBF, oh GBF, you sure are making me learn a whole lot of things!!

3 weeks into the program and I find myself with a lot of thoughts to think about..

learnings.. realizations.. and so much more!!

about myself. about others. but mostly, still, about me. It's that kind of case..

the kind of I, Myself, and Me Pa Rin!!

I look at my classmates. And then I try to look at myself. I see their flaws. But mostly, I see their outstanding traits. Then I ask myself, why can't I be like that?!? How can they be like that?!? Super achievers.. super passionate.. super devoted.. super dedicated.. super good even.. super humble amidst all their achievements! .. everything I can only wish to be.

They inspire me. They make me think.. think.. think.. and think again. Someday, I hope to be inspired to move.. and act. Because though I'm happy with who I am now, I sure am would be very glad to be hawa sa kanila! haha..

Because the me I'm now is still very much 21.. still very much..

I'm an adventure-whore. I'd go anywhere I see adventure. I'd do anything that spells adventure. New ones. Old ones. Say adventure and I know I'm in!!

I'm a wanderlust! I crave to go to places I've never been to! The more spontaneous, the better!

I don't like plans! I believe in doing things when I feel it, when I want it! I think about them.. but seldom.. rare! When I do think about them for a long time, I get discouraged. I get confused. And I hate it! Oh, I know I hate it!!

I'm bakla! I like everything happy. Girly. Kikay! I live to laugh. I live to be kirs.. but just the right amount. I get bothered when things are so down. I don't like the aura.

I'm maarte. But I like doing things that are cowboy!

People say I'm sheltered. And it's true. All my life, I've been sheltered. I live a life where I can easily have what I want at the time when I want it. I don't like it all the time. I strive to veer away from it. But I find myself sometimes longing for the privilege of having a life given to me by my parents. I don't know if I deserve such kind of life. But I'd like to think that I do. That I worked hard for it. Just like everyone else!

I'm rebelde! I try to break free! Break away from my parents. Work to get things I want. Work for myself. Earn the things that I have through my own efforts. I refuse to accept help given to me by my parents. I insist on working for it on my own. But of course, not financially. NEVER FINANCIALLY.

I'm independent. Or at least I'd like to think that I am. I live my life the way I want to. I am my own director. But THE PARENTS are and will always be my producers!!

I'm lazy. I hate work. I hate waking up in the mornings. I hate household chores.. cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry and all those stuff.. I guess habits are really hard to change. Much more remove.

I'm addicted. To a lot of things! But most especially to junk food! I want to stop. But I crave. And I crave hard. I like things instant. I'm patient and impatient both at the same time!

I am impulsive. When I see that I want something, I almost instantly feel that I deserve it!! I just know I deserve it!

I'm crazy! I'm always confused. Always happy. Always up. Always down. Always hyper. Always sleepy. But most of the time, just plain sleepy and lazy.. sleepy and lazy! I want to be the other way around.. but there is always that BIG BUT!! Always that BIG BUT..

I try to be humble. I want to be super humble! I am not comfortable talking about what my parents do or what my family did. If I am going to be me, I want people to know me as me. And not as the daughter of.. or the granddaughter of..

I am in a continuous search of me. In a continuous journey to improve myself through the stories of the people I meet in this life I chose for myself.

Why did I want to go through all these hardship to get the GBF Scholarship? Easy. Because this is the way I wanna do it. Because this is the way I will be able to further improve myself. And I sure am glad. True, it's a lot of work now. It wasn't the break I expected. But the people I'm meeting and the friends I'm making make up for all the hard work I am expected to give to this program.

My mom once told me when I felt like giving up: "Go ahead and live your life there. Experience everything you wanna experience. Do all you wanna do. Be an employee. Explore the world that is out there for you. And when the time comes that you feel like you've had enough.. then, come back home. Coz' there will always be a world waiting here for you."

Now I can say.. that I am truly realizing the meaning of that one!! And I'm happy. That I did not give up when I wanted to. That my mom was pakialamera.. and that she still is one big pakialamera!! As I always tell her, that she is lily van der woodsen-ish!! That she is Gossip Girl much!!

Thank you, GBF!! Thank you, dong xie men!

back to school.. my weird crisis..

a few months before I turn 22 and I find myself once again, back in school, studying Mandarin all over again! High School Part 2? Taiwan Part 2? Whatever.

All I know is that I am happy. Happy to be here. Happy to be studying once again. Happy to be with different kinds of people with different stories to share. Happy to be doing it this way. Happy. Just real happy.

My cousin asked me a few days ago, why did I apply for this program. Thinking about it, I think that I applied for a lot of reasons. I cannot pinpoint just one.

I applied for the sake of applying.

I applied to see if I can qualify for a scholarship.

I applied because I was looking for something to do (so as to give me some time to think).

I applied to reconnect to my Chinese roots once again.

I applied to learn how to speak Chinese for good this time.

I applied because I wanted to go to Shanghai. Be independent. Be on my own.

I applied for the fun of it!

Then came his next question: "if you're just really after learning Chinese and going after the Shanghai trip, why did you apply pa for the scholarship? why didn't you just go on your own?"

And it's true. I asked myself that after he asked me that too. Why nga ba did I want to go through this nitty-gritty selection process? Why nga ba didn't I just tell my parents that this was what I wanted.. that I wanted to go to Shanghai, learn and study Chinese as well as their culture? Some friends already asked me to go with them before. But I declined. And was never interested. Until I saw GBF.

And this is where the crisis part of my story begins. Hmph!!!

As much as I really, really want to write the story, I can't. Coz' I'm feeling tamad again! I need my junk food fix!! grrr!!! I'm addicted!! I crave!! I can't live a day without having a bite of anything junk food!! WTH!! HELP!!

back to school..

Blessed..

Today I feel so blessed!

Blessed to have my allowance fr. THE PARENTS.

Blessed to have my GBF Scholarship.

Blessed to have my friends.. from school, from GBF, from everywhere..

Blessed to have my AVIS (also fr. THE PARENTS).

Blessed to have everything God is giving me.