Today is a new beginning for me. All hopes of getting something that I have wanted so, so bad vanished today. I don't know how it happened much more why it happened. But if it is true though that everything happens for a reason then, I am still yet to discover the reason or reasons as to why I have lost this thing that I prayed real hard for. But then to discover the reason behind why I lost this is one thing. Understanding, much more accepting why.. is truly another matter.
I can still remember the times when I prayed hard to get this. It was one of those rare moments when I had wanted to achieve something and make it truly mine. I would bet a lot and say that it would truly have been one big, golden opportunity for me as well as for the people around me. It would have taken me.. one step closer to what I've always dreamed of. But then again, like everything else, I guess that somewhere along the way, I made a mistake. A mistake that was so big to cost me this much desired dream.
I would have to admit that somewhere along the way, I had doubts. Doubts as to whether this was really what I wanted. Of all the opportunities that I could have had, was this really what I wanted? I dropped everything off my list. Put everything else to a hold. Some plans needed to take a detour so as to pave way for this opportunity which I thought I could have had.
In times when I had doubts, I would think that maybe, just maybe, this was what I really needed. What I really wanted. A break from everything else. A break from everyone else as well as the questions that I cannot usually answer immediately. An escape disguised in one crazy hell of an adventure. What adventure it might have brought me. A wonderful opportunity to start anew.. as well as discover a path that has always been at the back of my mind.
Had I been given the opportunity to achieve that dream, I had great plans at the back of my mind. Plans that were lined up for me to do as well as accomplish. While it is true that I have never been good in fulfilling promises or plans that I make in my mind, this time, I was serious. Serious to fulfill all plans that could have benefited myself, the people I care for, as well as the people who, somewhere along the way, have found their paths towards me. I would have learned much. They would have learned much.
I waited for three months. At first it was a secret known only to me and my family. Then at some point, as the opportunity to achieve it became bigger, I started to tell the people who were directly involved with me.. not even my closest friends knew that I was trying to achieve some new opportunity. Then it slipped.. due to my excitement. An excitement so big that I could not hold it anymore. The happiness and all the emotions that it brought me just exploded at some point. Thus, I wanted to share. I was hopeful. I was super hopeful.
Now I am left all depressed and lonely thinking where did I go wrong. At what point did I make a mistake so huge to have cost me this opportunity. This one shot that I had towards a journey wherein I could have discovered new things, wonderful things about me as well as this world I live in. Now, there is nothing left.. and I am left figuring out what I am truly feeling amidst all the emotions that I am now going through.
As I struggle to go back to my original plans, I am now full of doubt and fear. This was a detour for me. A detour that I had wanted to push through and come out victoriously. But I guess it proved to be a dead end. Now it is time for me to either reroute or go back to where I was really headed. Pick up the pieces, follow through what I had originally wanted to achieve and discover what is there for me.. But then again, is this really what I want.
Thus I have decided to start anew! Today is a new beginning for me. A new beginning that will perhaps help me understand as well as accept the reason as to why I did not get something that I really wanted to have. Life sure is crazy! My life is.. and I am just so ecstatic to come out of this emptiness I am now going through so as to partake in all this craziness. After all, I am me.. as crazy as I am and where I am now, I am sure that I can once again, figure out what I really want and go for it!!
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