Today I am reflective. And this is what is so bad everytime I wake up early in the morning with nothing to do. For the past two years, I struggled to wake up early in the morning. And while I never grew accustomed to it, I had no problems with being so emotional and reflective because I had work. I had a daily perspective. Not entirely routine but still, I had work.
Now with everything that I did these past few months, I am left jobless. Not by choice and definitely not because of the recession. Opportunities are out there. But the desire to start anew is something that I have yet to rediscover and awaken. I have yet to muster up enough courage and take initiative.
After that failed attempt to achieve something on my own, I realized that I have never, in my life, achieved something that required me to go through a process like everyone else. Somehow, I feel that all the opportunities that I got these past few years were just given to me, all hand-outs. Nothing that I worked hard for and really, really, wanted bad. And I was just accepting everything and feeling that I had worked hard for it. That I was deserving of everything. Not knowing that there were people out there who worked twice as hard. People who would kill to get the opportunity. People who wanted it as bad as they needed it. And I am guilty of not thinking about them these past couple of years. Now I know how it feels to loose in achieving something that I worked hard for. At least that's good.
I am guilty as well of loosing connections. Failing to keep in touch with friends. No matter how easy it seems, I just got so obsessed with my work that I failed. I got so determined to "do a good job" that I have, in one way or another, failed to keep the connections that really, really mattered. The connections that kept me connected with my past.. which made me who I am today. Had I not lost in one aspect, I could have almost forgotten how it feels to be living for myself. To reconnect with my past. To take some time off and just truly "live for the moment!" This is the life I've always wanted. Crazy. Fun. Unpredictable.
I just wish people would stop meddling. asking. teaching.. more like telling me what to do and where to go. Because it hurts. Because then I loose track, direction, and focus. Things that I so need to go through this life head on!! Plus, this causes me to allow myself to continue living in a life that was just given to me.. something I worked hard to avoid. While I have been accustomed to this, and have actually enjoyed it for the past couple of years, some experiences I had made me think again. Now I don't like everything given to me just like that. I want to work hard for it. Get what I really, really deserve. Build something and achieve things on my own. With my own effort and with my own initiative. And if I fail to get them on my own, then I guess there's always... 
Oh gosh, I miss my work! I so miss my work! At this time, I would usually be so engrossed with my kiddos already! But now they're gone and I miss them so, so bad!! I just wish (super hard!) that my mom will wake up now na! so that she can give me work!!!! when will she ever, ever wake up early?!? she gives me loads.. no, tons and tons of work but never, ever gives them to me early. Paper work is so not the same with my work with my kiddos! But for the moment, it will do. Wake up, mom. 'Coz I so can't wait to get my hands on that calculator and rack my brains balancing those stuff that you always, always make me. I figured that'll always be better than making me stand under the sun all day. right? or is it? WHAT.A.LIFE. 
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