it makes no sense!!

sorry friend but it really makes no sense to me! to us!!

after so, so many years, we've found each other again.

and you keep on saying that you wanna see us.

but how can you expect us to always, always, adjust to "your" situation??

you walk out when you feel like it,

back out whenever you want to,

say no to each and every offer we do..

and though we adjust to all your request,

how can you really expect us to go out of our ways..

just so that we can see you for a good 5 or 10 minutes?

because then you have to dash once again..

so sorry friend.. just saying..

it makes no sense talaga!!

somebody once said:

"I wanna believe in you. I do. But somehow, you're not showing us any effort.

I know it's there. Show us it's there."

Oh golly, golly, you suddenly reminded me of the time when I heard someone say that to somebody..

my stay in GBF..

Note to self: I am supposed to write this down in Chinese!! WTH!!

My stay in GBF has so far been so good. I am happy to be here. Happy that I am here. Happy that I got this one in a lifetime opportunity to be in a program such as GBF.

I guess I cannot deny the fact that I am happy in GBF. I truly am. Ever since I got in and started school last July, I have not had any problems with the way they run this whole thing. Except maybe now that the papers are getting quite a little confusing. But aside from that, I have none. Zero. Nada!

Ever since I entered GBF, I have discovered a part of me that I've been wanting to discover. Ever since joining GBF, my life has become more exciting, more fun. Though our classes are the same every single day, still, I look forward to each and every single day I spend with my GBF classmates.

Joining GBF has been more of a journey for personal growth to me. True. I really wanted to learn the language too so as to reconnect and rediscover my Chinese lineage, but I guess, more than that, the reason why I am truly in this program, is so that I can grow up. So that I can learn more things from more people. So that I will learn to listen to the stories of other peoples' lives as well as grow from the experiences that they bring with them.

It is hard to define the me that I am slowly rediscovering now. It feels like I am on a big adventure. One big thrilling adventure. Where I am realizing the real essence of how to truly live life one day at a time. And hope that someday, somewhere, I will reap the fruits of my labor. And believe. Just believe. In others, in myself. In just about every single thing that makes up my life. Believe.

In the three months I've been with GBF, I have learned that I do not necessarily have to be no. 1. While it is true that sometimes the attention you get from being on that top spot can be wonderful, sometimes, it is not what will make you happy. Just not what will make me happy. In these 3 months, I have learned to accept some of my weaknesses which I've come to realized ever since joining the program and slowly cope.. and work hard so that they can eventually be my strengths. Again, I do not necessarily have to be the no. 1 or the best. I just have to be me. And live my life the way I want to. Unafraid of what others think. And to just have fun. 'Coz in the end, that is all that matters. That will always be what will keep me going. What will continue to make me confident that what I am doing is right. That what I am doing is truly what I want to be doing. Not before, not in the future, but what I want to be doing right now!

In these 3 months I've been with GBF, I've experienced another face of what it means to be working and co-existing in a diverse culture. I just love diversity. If in IMS, I experienced diversity in terms of culture, in GBF, I am in an environment filled with people from diverse background. Different people, different backgrounds, different personalities, different cultures and so much more. And yet co-existing in one big group that is the YYP (Yin YAng Pandas). Amidst all the diversity, amidst all the silent air of competition, still, one sees how each and every one makes an effort to help another. How to be happy in one another's company as well as take solace and comfort from one another whenever we feel down.

It sometimes amazes me how some people can form strong friendships in this short span of time. Honestly, I myself have also found some people whom I can trust. People who I share my feelings, secrets, and what-nots with. It truly is amazing. But I guess sometimes, you just have to really believe. Believe in the magic of friendship as well as in the magic of life.

I truly am lucky. More than lucky, perhaps, I am blessed. For going to Shanghai is easy. Studying can also be easily done. But I guess what makes this program truly unique and wonderful as it is, is the company of my fellow 39 other scholars. Truly, it is an amazing experience. It is an amazing journey! And such, I truly hope that we can still be together for the remainder of this program. That we can all be together in Shanghai.

Now my essay for Han Zi class is probably not gonna be like this! Oh, if I can only write all these down in Chinese, then, that is one less problemo for me!! But I am excited for Friday! I truly am! Halloween party in the halls of Rosario! Oh yeah! I'm also going home that day!

Tomorrow, we shall have a mock test! I am supposed to be studying but what the hell! here I am - blogging!! Oh life! And I thought yesterday was the start of my geeky life!!

;-0

the life of a true scholar..

The life of a true scholar is nakakapagod!!

It's super tiring, I tell you!!

Back in college, I had a friend who was a scholar. Like true blue scholar. She was smart and she always, always, studied hard! I admired her. I had to. I was never like that! At times, I would even go to our class without knowing that we had an exam. Cramming was always my thing! It is what works best for me. Studying was truly a very alien concept for me. Much more studying every night. And so to amuse myself, I would often say that I am also a scholar. Yun nga lang, scholar ng nanay at tatay ko ang drama ko!!

3 months ago I got accepted in GBF and became a REAL SCHOLAR like my friend! I was so happy. You can just imagine! I was so proud of myself. Just the thought of hearing it made me happy!! Ako, scholar?? Oh yeah.. Ang sarap pakinggan!! Sobra!!

But 3 months after here I am, being forced to study almost every night and definitely not by choice I tell you!! To study, I have to sacrifice hanging out with my friends.. I am afraid one day, I might have to miss some of my daily addictions such as 1.) Facebook, 2.) Chuvaness, 3.) Gossip Girl (okay so that's more like weekly), 4.) soap operas, SNN and so much more! Obviously, I am addicted to a lot of things! Now, I think, I am slowly developing an addiction for Chinese! Oh, yeah! AS WEIRD AS IT SOUNDS, all my thoughts are almost in Chinese now! Sometimes when I buy something I wanna tell the cashier XIEXIE instead of THANK YOU!! I text my mom sometimes in Chinese, and there are also times when I find myself wanting to take notes in Chinese! It's weird I tell you! But if you are in my place, then, I guess it's all good too!!

I find myself weird nowadays! Weird that I study almost every night. Weird that I always think Chinese. Weird that I get pressured to study! If you had classmates like me, you will be pressured too I am sure. But it's okay.. it's still fun!

Now I come home tired.. rest for awhile.. check out some stuff in the net.. and resume to my Hanyu stuff once again! So that, my Chinese schedule is not really 9-4 only!! It is, sa totoo lang, a whole day thing! It is starting to become a lifestyle! And so I tell you.. mahirap ang buhay tunay na iskolar!! Sobra! Masaya man sya, mahirap pa rin!! ARGH!! But it's okay Keisha.. think Shanghai! think snow!! Plus, the great company you will have!!

So, remind me again please why I wanted to be a SCHOLAR in the first place?!?

Oh, I know!! I sure know!!

Suo yi, bu yong le!!

almost 24 hours..

For the first time since college thesis days and my crazy days of watching and perhaps more like being addicted to watching Korean novelas all night long, I've been up for almost 24 hours now!! Crazy, right?!? I know! But I guess, like what my friends said, "what's new, Keish?"

It was around 9 PM last night as I was preparing to study when I texted my friend who lives in the same building. At 10:30 PM, I found out that apparently, she was sad. ;-( She was feeling blue and she needed a drinking buddy. I, on the other hand, was feeling lazy! So to cut things short for both of us, I ended up going to her place.

I usually feel l like I need to study now. But there is no ... I need it! I need it bad! ASAP! I wanna study. Be inspired. Feel "back to school" but hell, it needs to come soon!! As in!! So chika, chika, and more chika and when I checked my watch it was already 4:00 AM. I had to go home. But I was supposed to wake up naman at 4:30 because we were leaving by 5:30 so I didn't sleep na. Just blogged and downloaded stuff.

Now, as a result, I have been having weird LSS episodes! LSS included: anything Michael Jackson, Insomnia, I Gotta Feeling and Boom Boom Pow by BEP, Calle Ocho, and what do you know, NObody by Wonder Girls and 2NE1 songs!! Weird! I know! I am. I truly am. That's me! In fact, I think when one day I wake up na hindi na ako weird, then, that's not me anymore!! Hala! I don't know that girl na!!

Went to school. Di na din ako nakatulog because of classmates and chika.. ang kulit ko, ang hyper!! may bago pa ba!! ARGH!! Life, oh life, kelan tayo magbabago?!?

It was Sir Nic's birthday yesterday so we went to his office pa after class!! HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR NIC!!

Just got home exactly 57 minutes ago. My hands can't resist the computer. The internet!

My mind is uber sabaw and so writing mode once again.

And so here I am blogging. Instead of sleeping.

Instead of doing my Compre HW.

As I said earlier, I need .... Until that comes, I am in deep trouble! But I shall inspire myself. My classmates naman always inspire me with their determination.

So Jia You Keish!! Jia You!! Good Luck!!

Now, it's time for me to stop blogging and convince myself to sleep! hay..

holy Coco!!

HOLY COCO!! HOLY CHANEL!!

I WANNA WATCH SUPER!!!

But WTH!! I need to buy CHANEL goods worth 3,500 just to watch!!

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! The only Chanel goods that picks my interest so far are

1. Chanel bags

2. Chanel shades

And since I am on my self-imposed CHALLENGE to myself, RAR!! I cannot do anything but!! RAR!! RAR!! RAR!! Not even the perfume!!

So I guess, I will just have to wait for the DVD??

Oh well!! LIFE!! Sometimes, I wanna hate!!

kidding. kidding. kidding.

Anu ba itoh! hindi ako nakakapag aral!!

HOLY MACARONI!!

;-0

SCHOOL, OH< SCHOOL!!

It's been almost two and a half months since I started going to my GBF classes!

Oh, school!!

Some days, I feel tired. Some days, I feel so bored. Some days I feel inspired but some days, just plain lazy also!! School is like school, school. Like old school. And it doesn't even compare to my high school days!! It's like studying my elementary years.. going all over elementary years over again!

Our lessons are like my Grade 3 Chinese lessons! But it's cool! It's actually working like that of a refresher course for me! Because all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I would suddenly remember sentences, characters, and whatever stuff!! Most days now, I feel bored in school.. I need inspiration!! And in times like these, I just think to myself: "3 more months.. 3 more months.. Shanghai, Shanghai.. and oh the wonderful, wonderful plans I have in my mind together with some, or maybe most of my classmates!"

And so I've decided that I will study hard now!! Study, study, study. I-CARE, I-CARE, I-CARE mode.. Pray, pray and still, pray that WE ALL GET TO GO TO SHANGHAI!! After all, it is quite obvious that each and every one of us gave up something for this! And is doing their best to learn Han yu. And though some of us did not necessarily apply to the program to learn the language, I do hope and pray that someday, they will see it's importance. And not take this opportunity as just "one big mistake" as some would say. Because I still believe that "in life, there are no mistakes. Only lessons to learn."

As for me, my joining GBF surely, definitely was not in any way a mistake. To say that it was one of the best things that happened to me in my 22 years is probably an understatement! At 22, GBF is PERFECT for me!! Perfect time for me to take a break.. think.. and perhaps, find myself once again. Time for me to discover a part of me that I've long been looking for! And true enough, 2 and a half months into the program, I am, truly, rediscovering myself and loving it!!

So school, oh school!! GBF, oh GBF!! I will forever be grateful!!

YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST GIFTS I'VE EVER GOT THIS YEAR!!

YOU MAKE MY LIFE MORE EXCITING!! MORE FUN!! MORE MEANINGFUL!!

EVERYDAY I GET INSPIRED TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING..

AND SEE WHAT MY GBF SCHOOL DAY HAS GOT FOR ME!!

IT MAY JUST BE ANOTHER BORING DAY AS I REMEMBER MY OLD CHINESE LESSONS,

BUT THE LESSONS I'M LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS..

ARE TRULY WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY, CONTENTED, PROUD!!

AND TO ME, THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS MOST.

WHEN, AT THE END OF THE DAY,

I KNOW THAT I AM HAPPY. I TRULY AM.

I gotta stop..

Hola! I gotta stop! I need to stop!! Now na!! I need to learn ASAP!! 

I gotta stop living with my mom's allowance!!

I need to stop living with mom's AVIS!! 

Am 22 na, and I need to learn NOW NA!!

The 6th of the month is the start of my new billing period with AVIS!

The 5th, on the other hand, is when I get my allowance from GBF!!

Perfect timing!! 

I am officially putting myself up for the challenge!! 

1 month. I PROMISE TO LIVE ONLY FROM MY GBF ALLOWANCE MONEY!! 

PROMISE. PROMISE. PROMISE. 

We shall see, after a month, where this challenge will take me!! 

Will I win?? Will I loose?? Who knows!! 

2 things for sure!

If I win, then I'll surely be super proud!!

If I loose, then I guess, IT'S NOT YET TIME FOR ME TO LEARN!! 

haha.. this challenge is OH-SO-EXCITING!! 

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!! 

;-0

Oh Mr. Sun!

Mr. Sun, sun, Mr. Golden Sun..

Oh Mr. Sun! I think MAHAL NA KITA!!

Mike Padua, yesterday said that you will be with us for the next two weeks!! I LOVE!! PLease, please.. please do stay!! Show us that you are more powerful than all those typhoons who want to enter my dear, dear country! I am sure the people will also love your heat!! After everything that happened, I am 110% sure that nobody, as of now, will ever wish for more rainfall! We've just had more than what we can ever take!!

It's Saturday na today. And tomorrow, I am Manila bound! The bagyos made my stay here super fast it's almost like nothing happened! Now, I need to get back once again to my books to do my ting li homework.. my compre and spoken books and notes to review on our past lessons and read on future lessons! Luckily, hindi nadala ng bagyo ang aking new, refreshed, CHinese knowledge!!

Ah! I miss life! Normal life. Without the typhoons, without the rain, without everything depressing! I think I will avoid watching the news first for now.. dahil ako ay nappraning!! Like what happened last night! Watching the news nowadays really, really, makes me crazy! and sad!! And I don't need to be a psychologist to know that those things, when combined, are dangerous! Super dangerous!!

Ah! Manila life starts once again tomorrow! So many cancelled plans! So many things to attend to once again!!

GBF days resume Monday! Missed lessons, wasted time!! Now it's time to catch up BIG TIME!! And November is coming so, so fast!! I have a feeling.. that November is gonna be one stressful hell month!!

Now, question is.. do I really want Monday to come?!?

sad, sad times..

It's been raining all day! Oh, Life! I used to love the rain! The wind is just so cold! I love it! But not now. Not anytime soon perhaps!

It's been raining all day here in Naga. Our house is a mess! I feel like I cannot do anything. And yet, at this rate, still, water has not yet officially entered our house.

I got hungry earlier so I looked for food. Here we are, stucked at our second floor, eating. Not as easy as any ordinary day since we had to look for left over food and be happy with what we got plus a little junk food and canned goods, but still, we had food. No matter how hungry I am, food, any food I eat for that matter, does not appeal to me! I feel that the food is bland. I am not enjoying it. Reason: For every spoon I put in my mouth, I cannot help but think of the conditions of those who were affected so, so badly by Ondoy.. and now, Pepeng! When will all these ever stop? Have we not suffered so much from the wraths of Ondoy that Pepeng still had to come?? I don't know!! I really don't know na what to think!!

Now, here I am. A lot of people have been texting, asking if I am okay. Let me just clarify. I am okay. We are okay. We usually have baha downstairs everytime there's a typhoon here but still, we are okay. We were prepared. Always have. The drainage system here in Naga is good and so our only worry is the overflowing of the Bicol River. Unlike in Manila where we need to worry about every single thing! OUr families, our friends, and most especially, those who were affected by Typhoon Ondoy. They haven't even settled yet and then here's this one again!! Ready to take on whatever's left of the people in Rizal, in Marikina, and in all the other places where water is still high!! OH.EM.GEE!!

God, please save us! Help us! Especially those who need help most!!

Ondoy, Pepeng, and this..

three things are making me SUPER SAD right now!! Super sad that no amount of shopping therapy or rest can ever help as of now.. It just continues to bother me and make me sad over and over again!! Three things!!

One is Ondoy as I have mentioned in my previous entry..

Two is Pepeng.. who is just about to enter the Philippines.. According to my friend, sabi daw sa news.. "it can destroy a concrete house".. Let's pray!! Oh Lord, what is happening to the world?!? Help us, please.. save us!! Please spare us.. everyone and esp. those who have already lost so much..

and three, is the article below.. just learnt about this last night from my parents.. I AM SUPER SAD!! Guys, help me pray for them.. PLEASE..

Ex-Abra governor nabbed in Makati condo

First posted 16:46:16 (Mla time) September 02

, 2009
Abigail Kwok

INQUIRER.net

MANILA, Philippines – (UPDATE) After weeks of search, police have finally arrested former Abra governor Vicente Valera in Makati City late Tuesday night, police said on Wednesday.

Valera was nabbed at a posh condominium unit at Unit 3K, Hidalgo Towers in Rockwell, by elements of Task Force Bersamin at around 10:30 p.m., Philippine National Police Director General Jesus Verzosa said.

Elements of Task Force Bersamin served the arrest warrant for frustrated murder and two counts of murder against Valera, but was initially met by resistance from Valera’s daughter, Anne, said Director Magtanggol Gatdula, head of the task force.

“We were initially met with resistance from her daughter, who claimed that Valera was not there, but we were 101 percent sure he was,” Gatdula said in a press conference.

Eventually, Valera willingly presented himself to police and was brought, without handcuffs, to the PNP Custodial Center where he was placed under detention.
No bail is set for Valera’s temporary release.

Valera has an arrest warrant for the 2006 murder of Abra Representative Luis Bersamin.

Meanwhile, one of the accused, Sgt. Leo Bello, surrendered to authorities in Camp Karingal Wednesday afternoon with his wife and son, said PNP spokesman Senior Superintendent Leonardo Espina.

Gatdula said police are still looking for the last remaining suspect in the incident, identified as Jerry Turqueza.

Bersamin’s daughter, Chary, welcomed the arrest of Valera, saying, “We have never stopped praying for this time.”

“We are very, very thankful that Valera was caught already. It is so hard for me to remember again what happened with my dad. With his arrest and the movement of our case, our family will finally be able to fully recover,” an emotional Chary told media.

During the conference, the Bersamin family gave P500,000 to an informant who pointed Valera’s whereabouts to police.

Gatdula said that Valera initially expressed willingness to surrender in December 2008, but because of an “intervening event,” the former governor instead went into hiding.
This “intervening event” was the confiscation of several high-powered firearms from Valera’s vehicle, Gatdula said.

With Valera’s arrest, the police are confident that the death of Bersamin could be resolved.

“This case is a confidence-building measure to ease whatever political tension remains in the province of Abra, which has long experienced a dark history of political violence particularly during the incumbency of Governor Valera as Abra Governor,” Gatdula said.

Copyright INQUIRER.net. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

When I was still working in IMS last year, I got the chance to meet the Valeras because of Vinno. They were just so, so good. I don't wanna speak for others.. but I am speaking for myself. And based on my experience and various encounters with them, they were just so charming and good.. all of them.. so let's pray.

Vinno was just one of the cutest!! That kid was so innocent, God-fearing.. and all those things that makes him just adorable. Whenever we had programs, his whole family was always, always there to support him. If it is true that a child's behavior reflects how he was raised, then, Vinno will probably reflect his grandparents' ways as he was raised by his lolo, lola, and tita.. and I am just so worried now esp. because if my memory is right, September 2, or the day this happened, was Vinno's birthday.. or something like that..

Sad. So, so sad!

ang kapal naman talaga!!

Last Saturday, as Ondoy spread his wrath on our beloved country, Manila in particular, I was caught stranded, along with my GBF classmates in Shang! Reason: because we had to perform  our oh-so-AWESOME presentation of The Legend of Chang-E for GBF and Ateneo as they celebrated the Mid-Autumn Festival. 

As early as 11 A.M. that day, my parents were already texting me non-stop about the typhoon and the flood along Edsa and C5. Knowing that it's "the parents," I initially thought that maybe, they were just exaggerating the news. To my surprise, at around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, they were already telling me not to go home anymore and just check-in at the nearby hotel instead. Knowing my hard-headed self, I said "yeah, bahala na.." but didn't really mean it because in my mind, I thought that it was still very early. My plan was to just hang-out in the mall, wait till the water subsides and then go home, sweet, home. But this didn't really happen!!

As it turned out, "the parents" weren't exaggerating anything. True enough, they know best. ALWAYS! ok, or maybe most of the time lang. Come 5 or 6 in the afternoon, my sisters, who were at home texted me that the water in Taft was already waist high. 10 o'clock and my friend told me not to go home unless I wanted to take a bath in "canal water." And this is where I decided not to go home! "Canal water??" Oh please!! Spare me!! Never did I dream of ever taking a bath in canal water!!

How we (me and my classmates) got home safely is another long story!! I'm just glad we're all safe now. To cut the long story short for you and me, we all had to find means for ourselves! (meaning: alam nyo na yun!). In the end, I ended up in Katipunan with some classmates at the condo of our teachers as all hotels were already booked.. hmm.. 

When I got home, I saw the news and boy! it was bad! just oh-so-bad!! I immediately texted some classmates the moment I woke up Sunday afternoon to check if they all got home safely. Buti nalang we were all safe.. that's good enough for me!! Then I saw calls for volunteers in various centers.. but how do I go? when it was still raining?!? and deep inside me, I was still scared na baka ako'y hindi nanaman makauwi?? when my parents were continuously texting us "don't go out anymore." I wanted to do something but.. there was that but.. 

When I did go out of the house, I went with my aunt to Rockwell. The weather was sunny and I guess, it was already good. Though reports of new typhoon coming our way was already loud. No matter how much I tried, the mall really failed to cheer me up!! Somehow, it just didn't appeal to me like how it would usually cheer me up any other day. For how can I? How could I? When I know that some people lost a lot, even everything to the wrath of Ondoy!! How can I? When I know that in some parts of the Metro, people remained to be helped, to be rescued, remained waddling in the muddy waters Ondoy brought to us. 

Then I heard on the radio that some government officials delayed the process of bringing help to our kababayans because of some stuff.. that each help they offer has a name that comes along with it. And worst! THAT BARANGAY OFFICIALS WHO WERE RECEIVING THE DONATIONS IN SOME PLACES ARE BEING THEIR NATURAL OPPORTUNISTA SELVES AGAIN AT PINAGPIPILIAN ANG MGA RELIEF GOODS NA BINIBIGAY NG MGA TAO!! WTH?!? Real WTH?!? Bullcrap!! Hanggang ngayon ba naman, sa dami ng namantay, nasalanta, at nabiktima, talaga bang hindi pwede na ating iset aside muna ang pulitika at MAGPAKATAO  NA MUNA??? Can't we just?? Even for awhile.. even just until everyone is settled once again.. 

The physical damage Ondoy left us is big. It's HUGE!! That cannot be denied. But I guess, more than the physical damage, the emotional damage that this brought us, to the people in Marikina and Rizal in particular is far worse than the damage we usually see now in the papers and in the news!! How the people will rise from the damage physically is easy.. because we are FILIPINOS and we have always helped each other in times of crisis.. To copy what a friend said, "bayanihan will save us." I cannot agree more. The spirit of BAYANIHAN has always helped us!! It has always been present in our society. It has changed and evolved but still, it is there. It has always been. 

The bigger question now remains to be: How do we rise from the emotional damage this has brought our kababayans?? I was stranded outside last Sat. and now, everytime I look at the rain, I feel scared. I get reminded of that night still. Even when I am safe in the comforts of our home now far away from Metro Manila. The thought of new typhoons coming our way scares me. The thought of ever going out when it's raining makes me nervous na!! What more, how much worst are the feelings of those whose homes were damaged? destroyed? Of those who were left with nothing? Of those who lost relatives, family, and friends?? 

Have we really learned our lesson?? Perhaps we have as a person. Perhaps our experiences taught us some stuff. But ow about the others?? The others who were lucky enough to be sparred from the wraths of Typhoon Ondoy??How about the others who probably needed to experience Ondoy but didn't? The others who still didn't learn anything and still HAVE THE GUTS TO BE OPPORTUNISTA AT MAKAPAL ANG MUKHA DESPITE ALL THESE?!? 

When, when Lord, will they ever learn???